Welcome to our regular HR advice column, Ask a Resourceful Human. Here to answer all of your burning questions is Massella Dukuly, the head of workplace strategy and innovation at Charter, a media services company that aims to transform the workplace. Dukuly has trained over 10,000 leaders at startups and global enterprises, including Squarespace and the New York Times. Sign up for Charter’s free salary transparency playbook here.
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I’m the only HR manager at a 30-person company. One of our employees is constantly talking about her diet. I have had a history of food issues, and I don’t tolerate this kind of conversation outside of work. I am tired of smiling and nodding with her, but this company has never had HR before and I don’t want to rock the boat. Is there anything I can tactfully say that can stop her from talking about her disordered eating?
So many people struggle with or have struggled with eating and body image disorders. We live in a society that is fascinated with body image and weight, and that bleeds into every aspect of our lives, oftentimes without our awareness.
The good news? You can say something to your colleague tactfully.
First, you are in no way obliged to inform your team about your own struggles. Although you might not discuss your personal experience, by saying something, you are creating a safer and more supportive workplace for the other employees on your team.
(Also, it’s time to stop weight loss and fitness challenges at work. It’s not our place to police our team’s bodies.)
How to talk to your coworker about discussing eating. I acknowledge that this conversation will likely feel uncomfortable for you and your colleague. They may not be aware of how their comments around food are coming across, nor the impact it has on the people around them. This topic is emotionally charged, and it’s helpful to prepare for what may surface. You both may have an emotional response—perhaps it’s guilt, shame, or anger—that shows up as defensiveness, silence, or even tears. It’s OK to have feelings and it’s also OK to take a break if you don’t feel that the conversation can be productive under the circumstances.
To keep things simple, I’d recommend approaching this in a format that you may already be familiar with as an HR manager—through the lens of feedback.
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To start, I’d ask your colleague if they’d be open to a feedback conversation about something they said during X meeting or conversation. Find a specific example for this. Asking gives them an opportunity to consent to the conversation and mentally prepare themselves to be an open and willing participant.Once you’ve set a time and place for the conversation, it can be helpful to add in a human element by saying something like, “I hesitated to share this because it is a sensitive topic but I hope that you understand that my intentions are to be supportive to our entire team. My goal isn’t to place blame, but instead to find a way to remain accountable in my role.”
This is an opportunity to lower the guard. When people know our intentions up front, it can make listening easier. From there, share your examples. Specifics matter here, we want to identify examples, not just how we feel about the situation. Be mindful to not go beyond a few examples so as to not overwhelm your colleague.
For example: “I’ve noticed that in X meeting and Y conversation, you have shared about your eating habits, your plans to skip dinner, etc.”
Then get to your reasoning. Why does this matter?
For example: “I’m bringing it up because I understand that everyone has different relationships with food and I want our company to be a safe space for everyone to exist. Eating and body image disorders impact many people, so it can be triggering for others to hear that kind of talk.
My hope is that we can be mindful about avoiding commentary like that. I certainly understand that food is a part of our day-to-day life and I want to ensure that it doesn’t feel ‘off-limits’ but instead mindful.”
Before you wrap, loop them in.
For example: “How do you see it?”
The goal here is to invite your colleague into a conversation. When we don’t, it can feel like chastising rather than learning, which is what conversations like this should be about.
If you or someone you know are struggling with eating disorders, (800) 931-2237. For more information, visit the National Eating Disorder Association.